In 1985 Dr. Richard Gardner (M.D.) coined the phrase “parental alienation syndrome (PAS)”. Dr. Gardner defines PAS as “a childhood disorder that arises almost exclusively in the context of child-custody disputes.” Primarily it is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent without justification. What is unique from Dr. Gardner’s perspective it that it results from the combination of parental programming or brainwashing and the child’s vilification of the target parent.

There is no PAS when true parental abuse, neglect or the witnessing of abuse, verbal or physical, is present. The child’s animosity may be justified, therefore, explaining the child’s hostile behavior as a consequence of PAS is not applicable.

PAS is only applicable when the target parent is innocent and has not exhibited abusive or neglectful behavior; or any behavior that might warrant the child’s vilification. Rather, in typical PAS cases the victimized parent is considered to have provided normal and loving parenting. At worst they exhibited minimal impairments in parental skills. PAS situations typically demonstrate exaggerated weaknesses and deficiencies. When genuine abuse does exist, then the child’s rejecting behavior is warranted and PAS is not applicable.

Parental Alienation (PA), however, refers to a variety of behaviors that may be associated with a child’s alienation from a parent. Children may become alienated because of physical abuse, sexual abuse or both. Emotional abuse by a parent may result in a child’s alienation. Children may also become alienated as because of parental abandonment. Ongoing parental disharmony, especially in the presence of physical violence, may lead children to become alienated. Gardner indicates that children may become alienated because of behavior exhibited by a parent that would be alienating to most people, e.g., narcissism, alcoholism, and antisocial behavior. Impaired or dysfunctional parenting can also cause children’s alienation. A child may be angry at the parent who initiated the divorce, believing they are solely to blame for the divorce situation. There are many other parental behaviors that can produce a child’s alienation, but none of them can be considered PAS.

By: Toby Hardwick

Divorce puts the wife and husband into a stressful situation. However, aside from them, there are other victims of the separation, your children. Divorce and your kids are the worst kind of combination. You may not be fighting in front of them but they can definitely sense that something is wrong. So, don’t assume that your kids are not aware of what is happening in your family. You should help your kids cope with the separation.

Kids feel threatened during this kind of situation. There is the dreaded thought of losing their once happy family. This fear affects their need to feel loved and protected by their parents. During this time, parents are usually busy with their separation. Hence, their time for their children is greatly decreased. Most of all, your mood tends to fluctuate. You might be easily irritated and annoyed while you spend time with your kids. It’s not only your time, but your love and care too that they want.

Here are few tips that will help you assist your kids as they cope with the rough paths in your family:

1. Communicate with your children

When you communicate, make sure that you listen to what your child is saying too. Do not do all the talking. Also, don’t avoid the topic of separation. Assure your children that you will try to make it easier for them, that you are doing your best. If you need to move out from your house, tell them that you will do everything so they don’t have to transfer to another school.

2. Don’t just talk. Do it.

If you always tell your kids that you care for them and you love them but they cannot feel it, it does not help them with the divorce. Hug them. Hold their hand while you talk to them. If you tell them that you will be spending some time together this weekend, do what you promised them. A simple gesture of having dinner together can make things easier for your kids.

3. Do not fight in front of your kids.

I know sometimes quarrelling can just surface unintentionally. At the midst of a heated argument, you sometimes forget that your kids can hear or see both of you. They hear the exchanges of hurtful words, or even the bad words. Children feel scared and worried when their parents are fighting. Most of all, you are your kids model. Hence, whatever you do, they imitate it.

4. Do not take out your anger on your children

Since you are all stressed out, and you feel tired of how the divorce is going, you usually are impatient. If you have toddlers, they are naturally naughty and hyper. Do not shout or get angry just because they are playing or being noisy. Be wary of your temper. Your kids might opt to stay away from you because you are just always angry with them. They do not have anything to do with the divorce. Work out. Take it out by participating in a boxing training or by jogging. Blow your steam somewhere else.

5. You can share the important information with your kids.

They might not understand it yet but try to tell it in their language. Tell them about the progress of the divorce, and the changes that they should expect. By telling them, not only do they feel that they are part of the family, but they have time to prepare before the changes take place. Also, by simply talking to them, they feel that their feelings and thoughts do matter.

Talk to your kids. They would like to hear from you. Communication is one of the basic and most effective type of helping your kids cope with the separation.

About the Author

Toby Hardwick knows how hard fixing a relationship can be. Visit his website relationship diy to find out more ways of helping yourself to solve the problems you are experiencing.

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Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope With The Separation