Communication is the life-blood of a relationship. Problems with communication in relationships are so common that no matter how great you and your sweetheart get along, you’re bound to run into some miscommunication somewhere. The good news is, with the right approach, these problems usually fairly easy to solve.

Bridge the gender divide!

Men and women approach relationships in distinctly different ways. Without and open mind, it’s all too easy to write the opposite gender off as “illogical” or even start thinking of their differences as childish or petty. The fact is neither gender is perfectly logical. Taking some time to learn about exactly how the opposite gender looks at love matters can help you avoid a lot of problems in relationships.

Listen thoughtfully!

Don’t forget that you’re one half of the communication problem. When you’ve been together for a while, you might start to think you know what your partner is going to say. Unless you have ESP, though, you’ll get a lot farther by actually hearing your partner out. When sweetie tells you something, restate what they said to make sure you understood correctly and let them know you heard.

Release the need for blame!

When one of you has a problem, the relationship has a problem and it’s in both your best interests to work it out peacefully.

Instead of going around in circles trying to decide whose fault it is, focus on how you’re going to solve it. Likewise, try to avoid blaming your partner for your overall mood. Specific issues like “When you flirt with other people, I feel rejected.” are fine, but sweeping statements like “You make me miserable.” or “You stress me out.” are taking it too far.

Stick to the facts!

When trying to talk over problems in relationships, don’t bring up any thing you can’t prove. Instead, stay with what can’t be argued like your own feelings and what your partner already agrees they do. For example, saying “You disrespected me in front of my friends.” can be argued because standards of respect differ. On the other hand, saying “I was embarrassed when you told Dave you don’t think I should ask for a raise.” is not only unarguable, but also gets your point across more clearly.

Be frank, but kind!

You’re not doing anyone any favors by taking a “put up and shut up” attitude to problems in relationships. All you end up doing is allowing wounds to fester and they can eventually reach the point where they’ll never heal at all. Instead, speak your mind when you have a problem, but do so with gentleness, kindness, and respect. Remember, your partner probably isn’t trying to hurt or annoy you and may be pretty upset to hear you’re unhappy.

Be a friend, not a coach!

Chances are, your partner isn’t with you because they’re hoping you can correct all their bad habits and personality flaws. You’re not their parent, teacher, coach, or boss. You’re their friend and lover.

You may think you’re giving constructive criticism, but your partner might think your love or respect for them has diminished because of this one little flaw they have. Instead of criticizing, encourage improvement by giving your partner some positive feedback when they do something you really like.

There, that doesn’t sound too hard, does it? These techniques may be simple, but the really do work to solve communication problems in relationships. Give them a try.

By: Terry Frerker

Fighting fairly is one of the most important skills you can learn in order to keep your marriage healthy and strong. While it may first seem that fighting only happens in “bad” marriages, fighting actually happens in all marriages.

Researcher David Olson of the University of Minnesota estimates that 25% of marriages are happy. 50% of couples will never be happy without very good therapy. 30% of marriages are considered “empty”, with little love or joy. 25% of marriages could be really happy if the couples learned better how to communicate and how to resolve conflict.

It is this latter 25% that should be focused on. Learning to fight fair can be the difference between a bad fight/bad marriage and a bad fight/good marriage. You can have a bad fight but still have an overall good marriage. In fact, couples who fight productively report more marital satisfaction once the fight has ended.

What separates out the couples who fight and make up from the ones who don’t? In two words: fighting fairly.

Couples who fight fairly demonstrate several subtle, but crucial traits, that keep them from becoming overly angry and hostile. What are the traits which separate fair fighting couples from those who don’t?

1) Fair fighting couples focus on the behavior, not the person. “Honey, can you please put your dishes in the sink?” rather than, “You’re so lazy. Why can’t you put your dishes in the sink?”

2) Fair fighting couples state their requests directly. If they want their partner to behave differently, they ask for it. They are able to communicate clearly about what they desire. “Please put your dishes in the sink from now on” rather than, “I need you to change.”

3) Fair fighting couples limit their focus in arguments. Rather than “kitchen sinking” an argument (where you complain about everything at once and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure), fair fighting couples focus on one issue at a time.

4) Fair fighting couples maintain healthy respect and good nonverbal communication. The importance of good nonverbal marital communication has been highlighted by John Gottman, a well known marital researcher at the University of Washington, who has identified four behaviors leading to relationship distress. One of these behaviors is contempt. Couples who show a high degree of nonverbal contempt for each other (through behaviors like eye-rolling, avoiding eye contact, shaking their heads) are more likely to have relationship distress.

5) Fair fighting couples allow the fight to be over. One important element of fighting fairly is to let the fight be over when it’s done with. FC’s find it easy to forgive, if not forget. They do not bring up old issues again and again just to prove a point. Fair fighting couples’s take the chance to make up and reconnect at the first opportunity.

6) Fair fighting couples discuss issues sooner rather than later. They know that it’s easier to talk about an issue while it’s small, before it becomes overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.

7) Finally, fair fighting couples focus on winning in the relationship, not on winning the fight. They remember that they are on the same team, working for the same goal, and are, really, allies rather than enemies. They keep the relationship as their main focus rather than focusing mainly on their personal ego.

Fair fighting is a skill that can learned. If more people learned to do it, it’s likely that fewer marriages would end in divorce. All marriages will have fights- it’s how you handle those fights which determines whether your marriage is a happy (or unhappy) one. Remember:

“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
~~ Barnett R. Brickner

About the Author

Terry Frerker is an entrepreneur who has a one step system to success. If you would like to contact Terry for his one step sytem you may do so at hawk07@cox.net or http://Iwilltellyouhow.com

(ArticlesBase SC #38435)

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/ – 7 Tips for Fighting Fairly in Marriage